Chapter Eight: The Hvit Library
DURING THEIR FIRST day of official lessons, they were instructed to wield weighted swords made of wood. Nilhin struggled to lift his, but even as his body denied him, he struggled to hold his sword up and learn all the movements. Every thrust of the sword, and slash, made him grow light headed as his muscles, what little he had, struggled to keep up with the endurance needed to properly wield them. It wasn’t his fault that he was malnourished, especially because his mother had done her best to provide for him. He was somewhat better than the other children who lived at the brothel in his youth, however. His miracle could only last so much, it seemed, and he was much weaker than all the others.
Gronjas was there for a moment, watching them. He looked straight into Nilhin’s eyes as he struggled, and nodded, giving him the encouragement to continue despite the whispered heckling of Ogar and Kveda.
Lessons continued in a similar fashion for a few weeks, focusing mainly on martial training, physical limitations. Nilhin would massage his sore muscles, but they never grew much bigger. He didn’t know how it was possible with the way he ate and the rate at which his body was conditioned. Even some of the noodly men from the Orikani subunit were getting bulkier with their newfound muscle development, leaving Nilhin confused and a little jealous that he wasn’t growing like them.
It was after a month of this purely physical training that their magic lessons began. Their first task was to, of course, create a burst of flame.
Since Ogar and Kveda had taken to putting thorns, dead things, or excrement in his bed -- one time waking him up by peeing all over him before they challenged him to tell someone of their treatment of him -- he had decided he didn’t need to sleep with the others at all. He spent his time in the small library building.
The library was tended to by a cousin of the main Hvit family, a woman named Hvit Svani. She looked much like the clan leader himself, with her broad stature, angular features, and small eyes, but she was softer at the lips, and her hands weren’t nearly as roughened as the men who wielded their swords. Svani definitely knew her way around martial combat, but she took her duties to care for the library very seriously despite the library being only the size of his dormitory. She carried her giant sword with her, and learned from her that the Hvit Clan, the blooded clan born into the traditions, carried heavy broadswords called claymores as opposed to the other legendary dynasties, which all had a preferred weapon of choice. From her, he also learned that disciples were given leeway on what they were and weren’t allowed to wield, and despite the claymore being recommended, Nilhin could learn a more suited weapon to him if he needed.
Even though Svani was taller than Nilhin, she insisted that she knew how to fight as a smaller opponent. Compared to the clan leader, he supposed that even the giantess Svani was considered small. In the early morning, when only a select few were awake, she took him out to show him how to best move himself. To keep the opponents on the offensive until they were too tired, and then to drive them on the defensive. She also let him sleep in the back of the library, even bringing him a blanket from her room so that he didn’t get cold.
Out of all the people in the Hvit Clan, Nilhin considered Svani his friend.
“Good morning Svani,” he greeted one morning as he walked into the library. He was suddenly shocked to see that Svani wasn’t alone, but was with Gronjas. The man smiled at him, and Nilhin didn’t know what to do. “Good morning to you as well, Gronjas. I don’t often see you here. I’ll leave you to your business.”
“I was here because I heard that there was an actual disciple using the library,” Gronjas said with a grin. “You know, not many of our disciples can actually read, so I wanted to know who it was. I should’ve suspected it was you. I bet you’re learning a lot from Svani, huh? I’ve noticed your fighting looks a lot more like hers than your instructors when you practice.”
“Yes…” Nilhin said. “Sister Svani has taught me a lot. I’m very grateful to her for it.”
“I’ve left some books for you where you usually sit,” Svani interrupted. “They’re how I learned magic. Why don’t you read over them while I finish my business with my cousin?” Nilhin nodded, and bowed to Gronjas before he headed through the tall shelves.
Gronjas and Svani were cousins? That meant that Gronjas was also a part of the blood Hvit Clan. That meant he was very important. Why in the world had he taken to caring for Nilhin? There was nothing that Nilhin could possibly offer him, yet Nilhin knew that this relationship could only do him good. Gronjas, if he was a blood member of the Hvit, could be a powerful ally, just like Svani, if not more so since Gronjas was in a more favourable position, better at the talents that are more desirable for the clan.
Nilhin sat at the table, and looked at the three books waiting for him. They were about utilizing gelid energy. From Nilhin’s basic classes, he knew that gelid and pyretic energy made up a human’s body, and that humans used pyretic energy more, which is why men made stronger mages since they made it more efficiently and more abundantly than females. He should, by that alone, be a great mage. Svani must have worked harder to achieve what she did, just like Nilhin was seemingly having to. He looked at the books. One was a book on meditations for females to enhance their pyretic circulation. He opened the first page and nearly slammed it shut.
Of course, he had seen vaginas before, he lived at a brothel his entire life, but he had never seen it so clinically. Because males made most of their pyretic energy in their lower body, just like females made gelid energy, females had to get rid of their gelid energy through orgasms before allowing pyretic energy to form through meditations around things like fire or under full sunlight. How would that help Nilhin though, who didn’t have a vagina? He scoured the book for more techniques, and learned that there were techniques that she-devils used, namely fox beasts.
It was impossible for Nilhin to join the Hvit Clan and not hear about the devilish fox beasts that prey on men and their lust before consuming them to nourish themselves. The Hvit Clan killed the most amount of fox beasts every year, killing normal foxes they found just to prevent their creation, because fox beasts were very difficult to track and kill once they became intelligent enough to blend into human form. It took a lot of resources to hunt those ones, and it was easier to kill them before they transformed. Fox beats were gelids, people who made gelid energy naturally and little to no pyretic energy, and they had to eat from pyretic folk, mostly men. They extracted their energy from their semen, where the highest concentrations came from, but they also ate their entire apex (where gelid and pyretic energy combined to make magic users able to cast spells) and their souls. It was taboo to destroy souls because souls were eternal and could come back, but fox beasts did it without hesitation. The fact they targetted men more often than not also made them so hated by mages, who were mostly male.
Nilhin put that book aside. He didn’t want to use any of those techniques, especially because he wasn’t sure if he could, as a man himself. He found a book of hand seals meant for gelids, not specifically women although women were probably more able to use these. Nilhin didn’t want to think about what Svani implied, if she thought that Nilhin was a gelid and a man -- perhaps she thought he was misaligned with his gender. For his safety, he hoped that’s what she thought. He flipped the page open, and curled followed the diagram, twining his two middle fingers together and then pulling his pointer and index finger against them.
A spark flung from his fingertips, and his eyes widened as the spark died out. He sat back, away from the books. He did it again, and several sparks sprung forth. Nilhin was surprised it worked, and ignored whatever it meant about him and his abilities. He scooted towards the book and opened it, desperate for more information. He found a hand seal that was supposed to silence someone by pressing the seal to their mouth, and another that worked like a charm when touched to the bottom of one’s shoes. There were ones to sharpen blades, and to clean water. There was one that created gale winds and others that could melt stone. Nilhin was so involved in his book, in his learning, that he didn’t know when Gronjas had come and sit beside him, just that he had. When Nilhin finally realised he wasn’t alone, he nearly jumped out of his position, hiding the book cover with his hands.
“Sorry,” Gronjas said. “You just looked so interested, I didn’t want to disturb you. I guess I failed at that.”
“Did you need something, Gronjas?”
“Well, I know you’ve been away from your subunit for a while, so I wanted you to make sure you were aware that you’re scheduled to go on a wild hunt next week. There’s a weak squirrel beast terrorizing a western town that they want the Orikani group to tackle. That’s your subunit, the Orikani, right?”
“Yes, that’s my subunit,” Nilhin agreed. He hadn’t heard about the wild hunt, but he wouldn’t have been told by anyone in the group if they had been notified outside of class. Their appointed leader, Ogar, the new Captain of the Orikani due to the elections Nilhin hadn’t been a part of, meant that his torment was only going to get worse.
“Thank you for letting me know,” Nilhin continued. “I’ll be sure to do well to prove that Svani is just as good of a teacher as she is a librarian.”
“I’ve no doubts,” Gronjas said. He looked at the books on the table, and Nilhin shyly reached out to cover them with his hands. “Are you having a difficult time cultivating your energy?”
“Svani’s helping me,” Nilhin said. “Please, there’s no need to worry.”
“Of course I’m worried,” Gronjas said. Nilhin cringed and looked down. It would make sense. If they sent a weak link of a mage out with a team, Nilhin’s ineptitude could get them killed. “If your teacher’s aren’t helping you, and you’re having to rely on Svani… it’s not right. They shouldn’t force you to look for your own solutions. They should be teaching you. It’s their duty to this clan to make sure the recruits succeed, especially if they’re like you, and are putting their all into bettering themselves. I’ll have to have a talk with them.”
“Please don’t,” Nilhin said. “I wouldn’t want to be any trouble, and… and sometimes talking to them will only make it worse. So, please, leave it. I’m content to search for my own methods, or utilise Svani’s great knowledge for my benefit.”
Gronjas sighed, but nodded.
“If you insist, but if that ever changes, let me know and I’ll talk to them,” Gronjas said. “You know, you’ve never really seen me fight or do magic before, but it’s not nepotism that promoted me to General. If you need help, I think I could help you, if you’d like.”
“I couldn’t possibly take any more of your time,” Nilhin said.
“I don’t consider my time being stolen when I’m with you Nilhin. Plus, it’s my duty to help you succeed, just as much as the teachers. One day, you’ll fight under me, after all,” Gronjas said. The man smiled and stood up. “I’ll head out now, but seriously, keep my offer in mind.”
Nilhin stood up and bowed before Gronjas walked away. He sat back down and looked back down at his books. He practiced hand seals, the ones that wouldn’t destroy the library, for only half a chas, before he got up to attend his lessons. He promised to be back so that Svani didn’t have to clean his station herself. He attended his lessons, wielding his sword. He could use it without his elbows buckling with every swing, but it was still difficult to focus on anything beyond the movements and moving it due to its weight and pull on his center of balance.
He escaped with lunch, a bowl of soup, back to the library, and brought another lunch for Svani. He set it at her empty desk and went to him to do more practice. Svani joined him a few minutes later, sipping from her bowl. She didn’t say anything at first, and let Nilhin read his books.
“Gronjas seems very impressed with you,” she said. He had noticed this, of course, but he didn’t understand why or how Gronjas, who had to be a good fighter and mage, was impressed with Nilhin at all, since he couldn’t do either of those things very well. “He’s often impressed by people, always hoping for the best. He’s never been impressed like this, though.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean, he’s been talking about you,” she said. “He wants to know all about you, and when I don’t have the answer, he seeks it elsewhere. It’s very dangerous to have the attention of a more powerful man, Nilhin. From experience, that only leads to people thinking you’re too weak to be powerful on your own. Surely you’ve noticed that none of the women in this clan are married, that’s because if we do, we’ll be reduced to the station of our husbands. We’re too strong and stubborn for that, so we remain alone. That’s just the way the world is.”
“I’m not a woman, Svani,” he reminded her.
“No, but you might as well be,” she countered, and Nilhin’s jaw clenched. Not because he hated women, but because he both hated being a man and desperately wanted to be allowed to be one in whatever fashion he deemed. How did his actions and behaviours make him less of a man, beyond the fact he didn’t treat others like garbage just for being different from himself. If that’s what being a man was -- if being a man was to be like the men at the brothel -- then of course he’d rather not be one… but he still was one, and nothing could change that.
“Is there a way to discourage Gronjas’... interest in me that would be safe for me to use?” he asked. Svani sighed and drank her soup.
“See, that’s the problem with powerful men. Once they like you, you don’t get a choice on whether or not you don’t like them back,” she said. “There’s a few options. You can become more powerful than them, somehow, and at that point, they’ll likely be threatened by you and they’ll stop, or you can just learn to like them back. There are others, but none that you can feasibly pull off.”
“Gronjas is a kind and gentle man,” Nilhin said with a hum. “He hasn’t been anything other than courteous to me. If I were a woman, it’s not unheard of to be able to allow this man and all his glory to keep me safe, is it?”
“Sure. You could do that,” she said. “But then you’re not much better than property, are you?”
“I’m nobody’s property,” he said, thinking back to the desperate and cruel play of the madam of Ya Brothel.
“Then your only option is to become more powerful than him,” she said. Nilhin exhaled, almost a laugh, through his nose. There was no way he could be more powerful than Gronjas, at least not magically or martially speaking. The only thing he had for him was his ability to read and write, which most of the members of the Hvit Clan couldn’t do very well, if at all. It was a reason their library was so small compared to the Tong or Zaw Clans, according to Svani.
“What should I do?” Nilhin asked. “You clearly know more than me, so please guide me.”
“You can start by admitting that you’re not what you say you are,” Svani said. Nilhin thought about his strange magic, about the animal that Maer and the children saw when he broke them from the cages. He thought about his desire for certain meats, for crunchy insects, and juicy berries, and for warm nests, and the heady scent of catnip. He didn’t think that Svani meant that Nilhin wasn’t human, she would have never come to that conclusion on her own, but that is all that Nilhin could suspect. But how had he become such a way? His mother was certainly his mother, the first memory he had of her was of her face, but… there were memories he couldn’t explain. His perfect memory, he decided, must have failed him in those moments. His mother, for example, had never had a tail -- his memories involving her tail were clearly a misremembering of the events.
“What am I, Svani?” he asked. “I’m not a woman.”
“No, you’re not a woman,” she agreed. “I don’t know yet, but I think your problems will go away when you admit it.”
“But what do I admit?” he asked again. She sighed.
“I don’t know, but you will,” she said. “I think you already do. It can’t be that bad, Nilhin. You’re a kind young boy with a good head on your shoulders. Whatever it is that you’re hiding or denying about yourself can’t be that bad… like maybe you are attracted to men. That’s okay, so is Gronjas and he’s treated very well.”
Nilhin let out a breath of relief. Svani was considering his oddities were just his propensity to enjoy the male figure. He felt much better about this. He could use it. He shook his head and looked down. He was not ashamed of this, of finding men attractive. He found lots of things attractive, but that didn’t mean he had to think they weren’t terrible, rotten things -- like men. She reached out and held his shoulder.
“It can be hard, in this world, for people like that, but to balance your apex, you have to admit these things, you have to acknowledge them,” she said. Nilhin nodded, and reached up to hold Svani’s hand. It was larger than his own, and her wrists were bound with leather braces.
“Thank you, Svani,” he said. “I’m glad to know I can rely on you. I’m glad to have you as my friend here. I… I was afraid I wouldn’t find anyone here that I felt safe with.” She nodded, and sighed. He almost felt bad for lying to her, but if this was the problem she believed he had, then it could take away from the real problem -- the fact that Nilhin was beginning to suspect something was wrong with him on a completely different level than sexual preference. He may not even be human! Who cares whether he wants a man or a woman beneath him in bed?
Comments
Post a Comment